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 Since St. Valentine's Day is right around the corner, WWGHOST and MITCH have collaborated in their love of music and their experience in sustaining a peaceful band-life to bring you an article that celebrates the sacred bonds of music and matrimony. Click "Read More" to find out how similar the two relationships are and the problems inherent to both.
Married to the Music
Steven Tyler of Aerosmith was right on when he said, "I've never thought of this band as anything but a marriage." Being in a band is a lot like being married: both require great commitment and sacrifice to help sustain them over long periods of time; both require great care and patience to learn, grow and thrive; both bands and married couples need to set goals and delegate tasks to reach those goals. And like marriage, If one member doesn't participate as much as the other(s), the resulting friction might threaten to tear it all apart.
Is your band like a marriage? If not, you may want to find a new one. If everyone isn't fully committed to the music and the mission, chances are your band won't go very far. Why? Because an audience can sense a lack of dedication and sincerity. As a result, your credibility will suffer. Credibility, in today's music business, could mean the difference between a flash in the pan and a band who leaves a musical legacy for the world.
Polygamy, Democracy & Monarchy
Working with one other person intimately enough to create music is a challenge. Working with three or more people can multiply that difficulty exponentially. Competing egos will battle for creative control of the band; some will argue in favor of conformity and image, others for creativity and ingenuity. Not everyone is going to be on the same page at the same time, but if you work diligently and assign a specific role for each person involved, you can at least get everybody working from the same book.
Like marriages, some bands work better as democracies and some bands work better as monarchies (we won't bother to mention the dictatorships - find another band or marriage quick). Some weigh their decisions with everyone's involvement while others believe in and follow the vision of a solitary leader. Whatever form you band or marriage takes, consistency is the key to peaceful co-existence. Don't change the dynamic unless you find your band or marriage is stagnating.
The Band is The Other Woman
Very often, bands and marriages bump heads. Your spouse resents your band and wants you to quit OR your band resents your spouse and wants you to keep them away (as in the famous case of John Lennon, Yoko Ono and The Beatles). Balancing these two competing relationships can be very tricky and stressful.
If your significant other can learn to share in your love for music or at least understand your obsession, your personal relationship might survive. If not, you'll make each other miserable until, inevitably, you get the ultimatum: "It's me or the band!" To most die-hard musicians, this is a no-brainer. You show them the door.
However, If you do quit the band for your spouse, your musical mistress (the band and all that "might have been") will always be in the back of your mind, taunting you and creating resentments that may very well destroy your marriage.
Conversely, if your marriage interferes with you commitment to the band, you may find your gear packed for you! A meddling spouse can get in the way and upset the subtle dynamics of the band. There's no good way to tell a spouse to butt-out, so find them something to do that is productive towards the band's goals, but doesn't interfere directly with the music or rehearsals.
Every band can use an extra hand in promoting gigs, handling websites, or booking shows. Including a spouse in a non-threatening role can solve both problems. Handle both relationships with the utmost tact.
Conflict Resolution
Both band members and married folk have their share of disagreements. Whether these turn into constructive dialogues, passive-aggressive arguments or physical abuse depends on the intellectual maturity of the people involved. Deciding how disagreements are to be handled ahead of time can greatly reduce the probability of hurt feelings, resentments, injuries and arrest warrants (the latter two can ruin a gig schedule). State the problem you are having in a calm voice and allow others to respond without interruption. Never resort to personal insults (it's proof of a weak position). If you step out of line, apologize and get back to the music. This works equally well with bands and marriages.
Non-Verbal Communication
Ever been in a band that couldn't get through a whole song without someone stopping it to complain about someone else not playing a part correctly? Practice is a performance; If a song isn't going well, continue playing and discuss the problems afterwards. This will help your band learn to communicate non-verbally and enhance your ability to recover during a performance - when it really counts. On stage communication is entirely dependent on body language. So how is this like a marriage? Don't interrupt an act of love (i.e. playing music) to complain about your partner's performance. Now do you get it?
To have and to hold, in sickness and in health...
In marriages or bands, when you have a well-oiled machine, the hard times aren't so hard. Everyone works together to carry the weight and get through the tough spots. That's why dedication is so important in both endeavors; because you know your partner(s) will be there to help when no one else will. Overcoming obstacles is the true test of a band's and a marriages staying power. In either case, compromises are made by all for the greater good of the institution.
Again, using Aerosmith as an example, in the late seventies the band members separated when times got too tough due to substance abuse problems (the downfall of many a marriage, I might add). They flirted with new partners and situations but it just wasn't the same. In the mid-eighties, Aerosmith made the most extraordinary comeback the rock & roll world has ever seen. What brought them back together? A common bond and experience; the love they had for each other and the music they had created and performed around the entire world. Renewed and re-invigorated by the power, and more importantly, the love of music.
WWGHOST & MITCH
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Re: Married To The Music (Score: 1)
by rhonsman on Friday, February 07, 2003 @ 12:27:14 MST
(User Info | Send a Message) | A very well timed piece. Lots of good insight and, from someone who's been married for 22 years, an "ataboy" for the accuracy of your comparison.
Well done!!! |
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Re: Married To The Music (Score: 1)
by hippiechic on Monday, February 10, 2003 @ 17:41:54 MST
(User Info | Send a Message) http://www.myspace.com/beachbreakbaby | I wonder what the musician divorce rate is as opposed to other careers? Do our partners secretly form support groups, is their an underground musicians anonymous...I mean with our creativity comes degrees of manic tendendies, falling in and out of love with music, idealism, each other. Can you imagine a world of us, love ,peace,creativity, utilities being shut off, empty frig's..A bar tab more than our rent each month....What do they see in us?
Just a thought.... ( reaching for the prozac :-) |
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Average Score: 5
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